gay men and church camp

the thing about having a small group of friends with whom i spend most of my going-out time is that our blogs tend to recount the same incidents but in distinct voices and with varying standards of english. v entertaining, like reading gp essays, but written by fahbulous students.

now it is time to begin laboriously recounting the last 2 nights. fri night i left work to rush off to church camp in sembawang (like, where?) just to reach in time for... supper. (oh, before i left, i got windfall. i found $150 in sea sports funds in my drawer NYEHEHEHEHEHE shiok. so i celebrated by taking a cab.)

so anyway, sat in canteen and talked to edwin calvin chris joanne and guess what. i am now known as the 'scary girl from rgs', the 'she-male' and - oh it just gets better - 'ah bang' (big brother). i.... cannot win la.

being the COOL CAMP it was, everyone wanted to sleep early but not before we christened Chris' single ab Wilson. so i called jerrine. calvin asked me if i was talking to my boyfriend and i had to pause before i said no. (sorry ah jerrine. this doesn't mean anything) such is the lack of boyaction in my life.

speaking of boyaction, next night was asian boys vol. 3 with the fiends! twas GOOD STUFF. funny and sweet and i don't wanna spoil it with my words la. just go watch. as shirin has already covered on her blog, i love the final sweeeeeeet scene with chris and guangming (harhar) holding hands. squeal.

the blatant usage of rj uniform tweaked to perfect unbookable standards and the school anthem was a tad unnerving. is it even allowed? had surreal sense of being back in school canteen, with half-empty, tehping cups littering the green tables, the squeaking of sneakers on the floor, and broad boy shoulders bent over dabianmian. (shit noodles, so named cos the uncle who cooks it doesn't wash his hands after well, dabian-ing. the wit of jc students. gotta love it.)

as straight young girls, we were the sad minority in the audience. we gazed around us in wonder and helplessness as a plethora of the finest male specimens in Singapore milled about in their tight-shirted, small-hipped splendor. to think, we mean less to them than... pee-sai la. :(

anyway, after that we went to hongkong cafe sans rachel who went to watch potty. had freaking RIOT, with the 'manymany breads' and 'oh if you like bread, have some crepe' and incongruous snape gestures and very very long songs about sausages and very very wrong song lyrics (sung to the tune of ABBA's Money Money Money: Bunny bunny bunny, mr funny...) and late night bra flashing. (jerrine will explain on her blog).

such a great night that i didn't wanna go back to swampland so i went home. so here i am, ponning Experiences 07 cos i am oily and lazy.

oh. the gods are laughing at me la. i try SO HARD to get into columbia then yesterday my father thrust a blue envelope at me. inside, it said: Dear Mr Lee, As an accomplished leader in your field, we invite you to attend Columbia Business School. my father... win me.

i laugh la. i laugh.

pee.

scary things can happen to a journalist. for example, embroiling myself (is it weird that those two words make me hungry) in l* h*ngy*'s complain saga. only in singapore will a complaint become underground headline news.

i was to be rewarded with a byline on the damning article for being an... informer. HAH LUCKY I SAY NO MAN. if not, my name as of today would have to be Lee Seng Hoe. Then i will have perfect name to set up arowana shop. woo.

ok my boring life so far:
wed - lunch with wesleyan frosh, work until damn late. (meaning, 8pm)
thurs - ootp with fiends

as usual, time passed v fast even though we were in the heartland of heartlands doing the most heartlandy thing a heartlander can do - seated at a foodcourt in amk hub eating meekia ('mee children', in english)

ootp was ok. as with all harry potter films, it recedes out of memory once i leave the theatre. the books, on the other hand... NEXT FREAKING SATURDAY.

oh but i CRUSH LUCIUS MALFOY. i think i have a thing for nasty men with long white hair, a cape, and a walking stick with snake skull embellishments. ZO SEXY LOR. and the british accent. ooooOOOoooOoOOOoooOOoh.

again, conversation was funny.

jerrine: i went to volunteer at this old folks' home, and there was this 28-yr-old guy there...
me: hah?! he is an old folk ah?!
jerrine: *scream with laughter* the youngest old folk in the world.

i love old folk. singular. 'eh, old folk! get out of my soup la!'
sounds so much nicer than 'eh, old man! get out of my soup la!'

after ootp, we speculated about harry potter book #8. if jk rowling wants to make money, she should just sign endorsement deals with everyone in the world and put it in the book.

sample: Harry walked into Snape's dungeon. He held a LOVELY COLD CAN OF COKE to his parched lips and drank the REFRESHING JUICE OF LIFE. Snape scowled at him. 'why are you drinking this DELICIOUS CAN OF COKE, boy? i hate you! i will beat you with this STATE OF THE ART TEFLON FRYING PAN FROM TARGET!' harry fell to the floor in fear. 'please don't beat me! if not i will have to go to ARANA SPA, BLK 657 SIMLIM SQUARE to recuperate! and THE BANK WITH THE LOWEST INTEREST RATE, that is, CITIBANK will revoke my PLATINUM GENTLEMAN'S CREDIT CARD!' snape sneered down at the cowering boy, dressed head to toe in NIKE B.I.R.D APPAREL. 'eat my toe,' he whispered. harry looked up, and...


i could go on forever. my point was, it is a good idea and jk should do it. and i should help her.

2 posts in one day zomg

nyeheh my blog is pop you lah.

just came home from dinner with long lost friend jasmine. indulged in belgian chocolate coffee, egotistical banter and scary movie 1-4 reenactments.

(for those privileged few who have watched scary movie 1, please never forget Miss Man and her long balls. thanks.)

jasmine: eh, why don't guys like me ah. the thing is, i am very interesting and funny lor. how can they not like.
me: OMG ME ALSO I ALSO DAMN GOOD LA. win all polite and stupid girls in the world k.

also, siokkhoon on hearing (erroneously) that i was to reside in an all girls' dorm: i have two words for you: furry cup.

HAHAHAHA. i cannot tell you how much i love that statement. win carpet munching and velvet goldmine 10million times man.

in other news, i finally have interesting assignment! interview yale students who go cambodia on cip trip. must assign photographer also. i am SO gonna make them put on ugly make up heheheheheheh.

omg. i am certifiably bored out of my mind.

short rant before lunch

wah lau. i hate grumpy journalists. in newsroom there are like stacks of newspapers all over the place and everyday a new edition is placed on top of the stack. the woman on my first day say i can read the newspapers. so this morning i took today's paper from the stack nearest to me, and this STUPID FAT MAN turn around and say in damn loud voice that whole newsroom can hear 'why did you take MY paper without asking? that's very rude you know.' then he freaking DIAO me ok wah lau go and die lar. everyone around me ignore me summore so i put back the paper and go back meekly to my seat like the lowly intern i am.

bah.
what i should have said: honest mistake la stupid lanjiao.
what i said: sorry sorry! i didn't know.

ok gourmet canteen food beckons. bye.

blogging homebody fiend

i am starting to become blog freak. i have nothing to fill the void that is my life, see.

snippets from last night.

at cell, after talking bout god-knows-what. actually, just after talking bout god la.
edwin: eh megan fox is a porn star leh. no wonder so hot.
me: ya but soft porn only, not hardcore one
weijie: whatever. porn still porn.
me: no! hardcore porn is like... feast. soft porn is more like...
edwin: (pause) snacks.
all: *filthy laughter*

at BBQ
rachel: it is the tragedy of the elite to consort with the unwashed barbaric masses
(in usual heinously elitist rachel fashion. but this is why i love rachel)

yipeng: eh starscream's name damn cool right
all: ya!
yipeng: in the movie subtitles, it is xingxingjiao

other niche topics covered:
1. jigong's magic gaoquek (dirty skin you can scratch off, especially from the body's nooks and crannies)
2. how only hokkien nang can have gaoquek
3. constipation. oh, the constipation
4. very unrhythmic tapping using fork and tomato ketchup bottle
5. rihanna's heinous vocals
6. china ppl who anyhow add on facebook
7. dancing to ciara's 'like a boy' and grabbing imaginary apparatus
8. 'eh guys! got this damn cool website you must go. it is where they teach you damn cool tricks using pens! pen island.com!'

ok i don't see how anyone sane can understand what i am talking bout. but je ne care pas la.
i aime friends.

hiyoh. people see the amazing walking wind-up sushi toy in toys r us then they think of me LEH. why. first shirin's delightfully hideous egg-sushi earrings, then this.
other things that remind ppl of me: huge round pink pig, black gay erotica, dr burke, christina, (?!?!?!?! why both of them?!?!) ronald macdonald, and i should stop here before i blow my brains out in despair.

this is what i will remember my friends by when i leave lil ol singapore.

christine: d'oh! (smacks head)
fawn: i am the queen of everywhere.
jerrine: i messaged everyone in my contact list. first was christine... then.... (indefinite pause)
: fly safe, papi.
rachel: 'dhagger sthare' 'i don't wanna be a... murderer (said in most annoying womanly voice in the world)'
joy: sam you look like a suckling pig
nat: (takesphotostakesphotostakesphotos)
naomin: wah lau i crush james potter la!
sk: sam. shut up.

first farewell

it's late and Live Earth is on and i don't feel like sleeping. (btw, Live Earth is just SO COOL.)
so, today i woke up obscenely late, ran a little cos one week of teas and prone-ness makes me feel like a rolling lump of dough, ate 'cooked food' (that's what they call economical rice. original, these hawker people), then took a nap cos running and eating make me sleepy. omg i'm so bored typing this man. then went to cell at chris' house which is obscenely big and has AUTOTAPS HOW COOL IT THAT then took an obscenely expensive cab ride to fawn's house in which she does not yet reside for BBQ in the dark with occasional flashes of camera light to confuse me and jerrine into thinking that the lights are coming back on.

and cos i ate in the dark i think i ate a raw chicken wing and now my stomach hurts. SHIT MAN BIRD FLU SHIT.

it's scary how much more i respect people with a sense of humour than people with a sense of responsibility. oh, and i also respect people who appreciate good food. and by 'appreciate' i mean 'being able to inhale food'. this is indicative of an ability to enjoy the unnecessary pleasures of life which, in my opinion, are the only things worth enjoying anyway.

if my father ever read this he would make me study TCM in singapore alr. consperm.

ok tmr night i gots the dinner with my father's primary 2 friends. (no, he is not best buds with 8-yr-olds. he has known them since he was a guppy-catching, siewmai-eating, chinese-failing, overweight kid.)
heh all of them are fat now. all look like siew mai. which is a bloody freaky coincidence.

god i need social life la. i am excited at meeting 3 overweight, very married, ancient men who can't even pronounce 'eminem'.

i am running out of words that can convey boredom.

hello again, cybergremlins. i am supposed to be researching on some investor guru who is old and wrinkled but i am here. applaud my work ethic, gremlins! applaud! summore this is kind of a big piece. 800 words, dude. sweet. ok i bet this enthusiasm for 800 words will not last very very long.

in other news, dinner last night at Botan, a japanese restaurant with the motley crew of (s)Melissa (harhar. sorry, melissa.), felicia and beatrice. i ate the MOST FREAKING NICEST BOWL OF RICE TOPPED WITH TEN ZILLION RAW FISHES AND ROE. eh but the big fish roe, you know the orange eggs which burst into liquid in your mouth, look kinda like breasts, cos of the darker smidge of unborn fish inside. kinda like yolk, but ten zillion times grosser. so anyway, i arranged them into a damn long row and they looked funny. so many breasts leh.

ok. my brain is a flea. not even a flea's brain lor. it is a flea.

anyway. conversation abounded on, how shall i put it... very niche topics. Here is a sampler. Free of charge.
1. 14-yr-old mother
2. fat american spandax clad cosplayers who are so fat that they have crotch sweat stains
3. chua
4. obasan porn (grandmother porn. (yes.)
5. 'mrs chua! crayford is floating! what shall i do?'
6. 'heehee. let's shit in the green tea cup and put a towel over it so we can surprise the waitress'
7. on the green tea leaves at the bottom of the cup: auntie! your green tea hen anzhang leh
8. hardgay and his lovely leather panties.

oh. you must hear this.
me: eh who's the jap guy who always go around gyrating and always wear shiny black boots and leather panties ah?
melissa: (calmly) oh izzit rain?
me: NO HAHAHA.

ok actually you had to be there. but it was funny lor. it was. rain should er, vomit la.

after that we went home. me and beatrice reminisced upon the RJ days of yore.
where we were practically tortured.
two hour chem lessons in stuffy hot classroom and cannot sleep cos of stupid chua so the eyes will roll in different directions. then must smell dead bodies. and 2 hour chem pracs where TWENTY-FIVE bunsen burners will be up full blast, then chua will calmly turn off ALL the fans and CLOSE all the windows. siao k. siao.

hmm. BT has giant banner hanging over the newsroom. it proclaims proudly: The Business Times. We're serious, but fun!

God. that has to be one of the most depressingly loser things i have heard in my life. (hello BT people. if any of you are reading this, i didn't mean that previous sentence. i was just trying to act cool so my friends will like me. thanks and don't fire me)

speaking of depressing, i cannot go krabi. my friends will go krabi. they will have a great time. i will not. :( also, i am going to live in a nunnery in school. i THINK god is telling me... to be a lesbian. i mean, why else would he put me in an all girl house eh. why.

(i hope my readers can detect the sarcasm above. it is sarcastic because a) god doesn't like lesbians. b) god is putting me in an all girl house so i cannot have neigeneige. c) i was deliberately being stupid, for comic effect. d) that last question was rhetorical)

( i am doing this cos apparently many people in singapore cannot understand the concept of sarcasm. or english, for that matter. i was speaking to this guy and mentioned two gay boys. and he asked me: 'huh? gay as in...' AS IN AS IN. AS IN GAY PONDAN BAPOK LA HIYOH. then i SARCASTICALLY replied 'gay as in happy and merry' and he said 'really meh. i think you mean homosexual la' SDLJKGHAOUGUGJHAFGJFGUOJHJKLDFGIO then when he finally got it he said 'eee. so disgusting. against nature' WTTTTF.)

(oh i just realised WTTTTF means what the the the the the fuck. which is quite loser.)
oh! time to go home. bye!